mmm not bad

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says, "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.